A little bit about depression…

So, clearly I am depressed.  And no I don’t want counseling or drugs.  Depression runs in my family and I am used to standing on top of the cliff and talking myself down.  I know I am very fortunate even though life sucks right now.   I have actually had a great life up to this point and for that I am very grateful. 

But depression sucks.  It has a way of playing tricks on you and holding you back from being your true self.  As the mom, I also have to wonder how my current depression effects my children.  (effects or affects ~ I can never get this one right!!)   What do they pick up even when I act as if nothing is wrong?  I believe my son is oblivious, but my daughter and I are very connected and I think she picks up on my mood and  adopts it as her own.  She has been a little blue lately, so could it be me or is it really her??? 

I am realizing lately that as a stay at home mom, I haven’t been doing them the justice that they deserve.  By that I mean that if I am not at my best then how can they be at their best?  When I was working, I was more on top of things and thrived on the busyness of the day.  Now I am not busy and pretty much a piece of crap.  My daughter even pulled out some of my old work clothes and asked me why I never wore them and why I don’t wear makeup anymore.  Hmmmm…,. Out of the mouths of babes!  She is right, I don’t wear “Cool” clothes and makeup anymore.  I guess when you don’t have anywhere to go, you just stop trying. 

So, depression has effected my kids and me.   And of course my relationship with their father, my husband is strained as well.  We aren’t communicating well and I am just plain angry.   I don’t want to live in the middle of nowhere anymore and I want a job where I get to wear cool clothes and makeup.  More than anything, I want to make my own living again.  I hate living off of my husband and just don’t want to do it anymore.  It makes me crazy, more crazy than I am usually!!!  

So I am  beginning a path back to wellness, emotionally, physically, and mentally.  Wish me luck!!  Oh, also enjoy the ride as I write about the daily grind of working my way out of the hole I have dug for myself.  My life is an open book, learn from it. 

Iz