Another Valentines day where my husband is on the road and not present.  Not that I mind, but I guess Valentine Days’ of the past were somewhat better.  Of course I personally don’t believe in Valentines Day anyway.  It always seemed like a commercial holiday promoted by retail outlets to boost profits.  I never appreciated the fact that roses suddenly increased in price around V day and the rest of the year were moderately priced.  And I certainly don’t need candy!!!!  Living in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do only increased my weight! 

But I do hope that people who celebrate V Day have a great time.  Just because my husband doesn’t do that type of stuff and I don’t believe in promoting the retail outlets when they increase prices for this big event, doesn’t mean that others can’t celebrate.   I wouldn’t mind a great dinner out and a quiet evening with someone I loved.  Just not into presents when it really isn’t necessary.  If we were rich, however, then he better be out finding something shiny for me!!!  I would love shiny, but not when we are poor as dirt!

Speaking of being poor as dirt, I have been actively applying for jobs all week.  Nothing yet, but I refuse to give up.  I figure as soon as I get a job, the kids and I will move to the city and stay with my parents.  That totally sucks, but when you don’t have any money, you do what you have to!  I figure when I get back on my feet then maybe we can find something for the three of us and then we can bring our favorite dog with us.   I also figure that there is no way in hell I would get any type of loan right now with the creditors on my back constantly.  

I am still having trouble believing I allowed myself to get into this mess to begin with.  I should have never moved to the country.  Oh well, live and learn right?!?   I can’t help but think that having ADHD and not knowing it has impacted my life and the life of my kids.  It is better to know that sometimes you make decisions too quickly or impulsively and you need to slow down and make decisions more informed.  That you have to think through things and not knee jerk with situations that potentially negatively effect your life.  Would have been awesome to be aware much sooner in life and to have learned the skills that I now have learned.  It is like saying I would love to do it over and have all the knowledge that I have now.  Things could have been so different!  But maintaining a positive zen attitude will allow me to re build and be stronger. 

Iz

There was a time when my life didn’t suck.  I remember it well.  It was awesome.  It keeps me going these days.  I remember working and having enough money to take care of myself and my children.  Now I can barely get up in the morning.  In fact, if the kids didn’t have school, I really believe I would stay in bed all day every day.  Depression is a bitch. 

It finds you when things aren’t going so well.  It takes hold and surrounds you like a swarm of bees to honey.  You try to shake it off, but the hold is too great.  It slowly takes you down until you can’t get up anymore.  Just when you think you may be able to stand up again, it attacks you; stinging you until you fall again.  It isn’t satisfied until you are down.  It is relentless in it’s pursuit to keep you down and begging to get up.  Slowly you try to trick it and gather up enough strength to stand again.  But it has forced you into a box and it keeps pushing on the lid so there is no escape.  In order to get out, you have to plan your attack carefully and execute flawlessly. 

Once you are out of that box, you do whatever it takes to stay out.  You take the box and hide it somewhere in your psyche and hope it stays put.   You have to keep it, it’s yours.  It is a part of you now, a dangerous memory of how things can be.  Every now and then as you go through your life, the lid falls off the box.  If you act quickly, you can get it back on and push it further back in your fragile mind. 

If you don’t, it begins to escape the box like a seeping crawling dark goo coming to surround you and pull you back in.    The fight begins again and you wonder just how you did it last time.  It has you on the ground, pulling you toward the box of eternal abyss.  There you are screaming, fighting, grabbing onto anything just to stay out of that box.  You know the odds if it gets the lid on you.  You know the time wasted if it wins again. 

And it is such a dirty fighter.  It lets you gain a little only to pull on you harder after each small gain.  You are tired and want to just give in and let it win.  You just don’t know how you will beat it this time, it knows you too well now.  It knows you won’t ask for help.  You will just keep slowly moving inch by inch as it wins the battle. 

But you are stronger than it knows; you want to win the war.  You have had experiences and thoughts that it wasn’t aware of while it was stored away.   Just when it almost has you in the box, you scream for help.  Those people who have been worried and offering assistance will hear you.  They are stronger than it.  They can renew the surge and help pull you away from that dead end box.  You will wonder why you didn’t scream for them sooner. 

Never under estimate people’s propensity to help. 

iz

So the relentless media finally won a victory.  Phelps got suspended and Kellogg’s isn’t renewing his contract.  What would have happened if after he apologized the media dropped it.  Anything?  Bet not.  The suspension came only after the media made such a big deal of it.  The South Carolina sheriff may pursue charges. (everyone is entitled to their 15 minutes of fame after all)  Like the sheriff would have anything to stand on.  How could you prove that he was in that state at the time the pic was taken.  What a colossal waste of time to even think about it. 

I have to wonder if there were more newsworthy crap going on in the world, would they still be writing about Phelps.  Most likely not.  I do feel sorry for his mother.  She is on the ADHD speaking circuit and then this breaks out.  Bet he was terrified to tell her about it.  But if she is like most mothers, she would understand that shit happens.  I would bet she has already forgiven him and feels sorry about all the media attention one photo has attracted. 

And yes I understand he is a role model.  But seriously now, is it ever healthy to place someone on a pedestal??  Haven’t we learned throughout history that placing people on pedestals is only hurting them in the long run, as well as, being completely unrealistic.  Wouldn’t it also be worthy as a role model to admit you did something wrong.  I would much rather have my kids idolize someone who actually made mistakes like most human beings than idolize some fantasy who made just as many mistakes, but has more money to buy the evidence.  Lets get real about it.

I can just imagine Phelps ADHD mind telling the Brits to knock themselves out and publish the pic.  Hell, I would.  Let the fall out fall where it may.  Kellogs was just using him anyway.  So what.

Hopefully this can be over for him now.  Maybe the media is satisfied at his loosing Kellogg’s and being suspended for awhile.  With any luck it will pass by the time the Olympics comes around again and he will go there and kick arse with 9 medals.  Then maybe he can be that coveted perfect idol the media is always looking to trash.  What a wonderful world we live in. 

On a persona note,  I did my interview and it went well.  The hr person said they will do a backround check and get back to me by Wednesday of next week if they are going to schedule a second interview.  The hours suck!!  I would have to get up @ 3:30am and get there by 4:30.   The pay sucks too, but the benefits are awesome, so it would most likely be worth it just for the benefits alone!!  And last night he called to arrange a second interview for Monday.  So maybe I can go to work for a while and regain some sanity!!!

Iz

Last night someone brought our depressed dog home.  He just this past month started wandering the country side trying to “find himself”.  Yeah, I don’t get it either.  With the economy as crappy as it is, don’t you think that a dog would stay home and not wander off when he is getting fed and a little love?  I have read that pets are feeling the economy crunch just as much as humans, people are having trouble feeding themselves, therefore, pets are lowest on the totem pole, so if they get fed at all, they are lucky! 

But this guy must think he is somebody!  He has been wandering off now for a month.  He is home for a few days and then “SURPRISE” he is back and usually very hungry.  He rests up for a few days and then off he goes.  So last night I get a call about him and someone from town brought him home.  This time he was gone for a week.  I just don’t understand why he keeps taking off.  My husband says we need to get him fixed and then he will stick around.  Other people have told me that when a dog starts wandering, they never stop, so be prepared for him to never come home.  That sucks! 

He even has friends, we have 7 cats and two other dogs that run around and protect our little farm.  Or course, our other dog is definitely ADHD, so that can be annoying to everyone so maybe our wanderer is sick of dealing with hyper.  Our ADHD dog is very loyal, and very hyper.  He likes to jump, so everyone is fair game when they are around him.   He jumps up and on the other dogs just for fun.  I kind of feel sorry for him, since it is quite apparent that he just doesn’t know how to socialize with others.   That is why I call him our ADHD dog.  He just doesn’t get it.  The other dogs will come up for pets and love and there he is jumping on them, biting at their legs, charging them quickly and challenging them to wrestling matches.  He just can’t stand when the others get attention, so he has to act crazy in order to get some attention himself.  But just as with kids, the type of attention he gets isn’t positive. 

Then again, it could be my fault that the wanderer keeps leaving.  I do tend to favor my ADHD dog.  I just can’t help but to love this hyper beast.  He just showed up one day two years ago and it was apparent that his previous owners didn’t appreciate how different he was.  He was malnourished and very afraid of people.  I nursed him back to health and helped him find his true self and walla now he is thriving with his little ADHD self.  He is still very annoying, but I really appreciate that he is different and just doesn’t seem to care what the other dogs think of him. 

Maybe I see myself in him.  Who knows, but for now, the wanderer is back and ADHD is harrassing him on the front lawn, so everything is as it should be in our quiet little ADHD world.

How is your day?

Iz

I am done cleaning house, Thanks Sirius Satellite Radio, that 70’s station always keeps me going!!  I am doing the usual reading the different news sites and looking for a job!!  So, I read an article which is making big headlines these days about Michael Phelps, the amazing swimming sensation who swept the Olympics last summer.  Apparently there is a picture circulating with him smoking “something” out of a bong.    

Personally, I could care less about it, but I have to wonder, does America really think it is news worthy??  So what if he is smoking out of a bong?  After everything he has accomplished, isn’t he entitled to a little partying??  If he partakes in a little pot now and then, so what?  I have known plenty of people through the years who smoked pot regularly and just for fun.  I never thought less of them, nor did i care that they did it.  In fact, many of the people I have known who did it were peace loving law abiding citizens just doing their own thing.  They never bothered anyone, didn’t break any laws (other than the pot smoking thing), and just stayed mellow in their own homes.  What’s wrong with that?  Hell, if I wasn’t allergic to pot I would probably partake as well.  And I could sure use something to boost my current crappy mood a little anyway!

Which brings me to another point, I have read studies that pot actually helps lesson the symptoms of ADHD.  Don’t know if it is true, but I do see a high correlation between ADHD and various addictions.  I have read that ADHD people are more likely to self medicate themselves.  And I totally believe that they do.  I did when I was younger.  Actually I had the motto that I would try just about anything once.  And did.  Why?  Difficult to say now, but back then I was undiagnosed.  My brother had ADHD, it just wasn’t a female disorder.  GUESS WHAT ~ Females had it too!!   And people who have disorders or illnesses will do whatever it takes to make themselves feel normal or better.   (My thoughts on normal ~ Different is the new Black! Embrace and Enjoy!!!) 

So I really don’t care that Michael smoked some pot.  I was actually wondering when I found out about his ADHD, just how did he cope with out medication?  I read how he managed his ADHD symptoms on his own without meds.  Having ADHD and knowing how Ritalin helps me out and knowing how not taking it can get me down just how does a teenager manage it??  Maybe with pot??  Who knows, but parents of kids with ADHDshould know that when they opt not to medicate their children with ADHD meds; their children just may self medicate themselves.  Why?  Well, children grow up, and they will naturally look for ways to improve their quality of life, and sometimes getting high is fun for them, sometimes their impulsive natures take over, sometimes their need to “fit in” is more important than what their parents have told them about drugs.  

As a mother, I totally expect that both of my kids are going to try pot.  Sure I can tell them not to and yes I can threaten them with some punishment and give them the scientific research to support my points. (which I would never do because there is just as much research on the other side)  And I could bury my head in the sand and hope I did a good enough job of convincing them to not try smoking pot, and of course, monkeys could fly out of my arse and become my best friend since I am kind of lonely out in the middle of nowhere!!   Yeah, ADHD kids have minds of their own, which means that they like to learn the hard way and are too stubborn to listen to anyone.   It is what it is.   Deal with it. 

And Enjoy them while you still have influence over them and guide them with reality not fairy tales.  You will be glad you did!

Iz

PS  Hey Michael, don’t get caught next time! 

So, the commercials were pretty lackluster this year.  The usual Clydesdale horses were winners hands down.  I was glad to see them back. I did have a few laughs at some of the commercials, but for the most part there wasn’t anything that stood out as totally awesome.   I really hate when there are commercials which have already aired and they put them in the Superbowl.  I love the Sprint roadie commercial, but I had already seen it.  Same with the Taco Bell date commercial.  Its like, you already spent the money on securing the time slot, the least you could have done was put out a new commercial!!!  My top five commercials this year are:

1. Bud Clydesdale Daisy the circus horse finds love.  Best one I saw this year!

2. Bud Clydesdale Fetch – The dog and horse fetching  was funny and realistic.

3. ETrade babies -the baby who was singing was too cute!

4. Teleflora – Who are they by the way?  He doesn’t want to see you naked.  Too damn funny!

5. TIE  Bridgestone stolen tires on the moon and Careerbuilder tips  on needing a new job.

Some honorable mentions would be Sobe, and I could have found it more entertaining if I knew who the football players were.   Hulu with Alec Baldwin was funny and the Cheetos with the pigeons was great.  The rest were pretty business as usual.  

So other than that, I was disappointed that Arizona couldn’t pull off the win, I thought they could have had it towards the end, but they just didn’t pull it off.  Bet the quarterback for AZ is kicking himself for that second quarter interception.  If I had to guess, had they gotten that TD they would have taken the game.  I have to feel sorry for that QB.  Oh well, maybe  next year! 

Other than that, pretty lame weekend.  But today is Monday and I of course will be pretty busy putting my house back together after a weekend of family fun.  I go on a cleaning strike throughout the weekend.  I just get so annoyed that my family has no respect to even try and help clean up over the weekend, so they can hang in a mess until I can’t take anymore!! 

My husband was home this weekend and he always contributes to the mess in ways the rest of us can’t.  (More on him in a later post!!!)  And my daughter actually said to me “You clean it up, it’s your job.”  I swear, the older she gets, the harder it is not to just slap her face off!!!  She can be such a bitch, but I know she gets that honestly which helps with my patience and control. 

So, just a quick post for now as the house is to messy that I can’t concentrate on writing knowing how much I have to get done.  It’s time to take my Ritalin, put on Sirius satellite radio, and bust arse!!

HAPPY MONDAY TO ALL!!!

Iz

So I go to the pharmacy today and get my kids ADHD drugs.  The new year started and I’ve yet to reach the deductible so I pay $500 for a 1 month supply.  Yep, $500!  And then I get a letter from the insurance company and they are increasing our payments from $417.00 to $499.79 per month.  So that really sucks especially when you don’t have any extra money lying around.  That is a difficult hit at the beginning of the year and we won’t hit the drug deductible until March.  This is a rough quarter for us. 

Then I come home and read about ADHD drugs causing hallucinations in some kids.  So, not only do I pay $500 for the drugs, but  the side effects can cause hallucinations.  I could use some hallucinations right now, but I won’t be getting my drugs until March!  (unless I become gainfully employed before then!) 

So, let’s talk about insurance companies…  They suck… OK, now let’s talk about Pharmaceutical companies… They suck…  OK now that I have got that all out, how about all these people killing themselves because they don’t have jobs even though they have excellent qualifications and the credit card companies keep harassing them…  So I have to say honestly that I get it.  And NO I am not going to choose to do that, but I do understand how you can be so down and out that you can’t see any other way out.  I understand that frustration.  Of having your kids look to you for answers when you just don’t have any.  Kids asking why they don’t have what other kids have…and having to say, well, we are poor. 

I feel for these people making these irreversible choices.  I understand why they did, but seriously, what changes???  The world goes on…  We all read the stories, feel sorry for those involved, and continue on with our lives.  There is no gain from it ~ only peace for the people who decide that they have no alternative.  And peace is quite enticing when you are looking for work and can’t find any knowing that every time the phone rings it is someone else wanting money from you while you don’t have any to give. 

This world needs some compassion for those less fortunate.   This country needs to stop bailing out all those big companies with uber rich executives and start bailing out the people who truly need it.  Why can’t the government take their 700 gazillion bucks and pay each tax payer $100,000.  I am sure someone much smarter than I would find a million reasons why that can’t happen, but just think about it for a minute.  Wouldn’t it equal close to the same amounts spent having to bail out these companies???  Wouldn’t people getting money spur the economy??  They could pay their bills and then some of these companies wouldn’t be in so much trouble.  People wouldn’t be loosing their houses, cars, or whatever else that they are loosing right now.    So why can’t the government do something that dramatic??  I truly believe it is called for these days.  Don’t send me $300, it doesn’t even cover a month of health insurance for my family.  Send me a real amount that can make a difference.  I need it now, and I have paid quite a bit in taxes over the years, damn it, I want my money back!!!!!

OK, off to make dinner now.  But think about it, why not as tax payers don’t we all demand more from the government and stop all this bail out crap of companies. 

Iz

You gotta love the Midwest.   The temp is currently 4.  When it is this cold, there is no keeping the house warm!!!  Old farm houses are energy killers.  The kids were complaining about going to school.  They seem to feel that when it is this cold, they should be able to stay at home and not go out.  Can’t say that I blame them, but am glad to have some peace and quiet while they are gone.  Selfish aren’t I?!?!!?   

The older and more logical they get, the more difficult it is.  They are starting to make sense when they question things.  My daughter asked me why she needed to know about the solar system.  Hmmm, can’t say that I ever used that information in my everyday life.  Why does she need to know all the little details about the solar system?  Oh yeah, to get a good grade in Science class.  But is that the only reason??  I wonder…

There is tons of stuff that my kids learn that I just don’t remember learning.  So why do kids have to learn all this stuff??  I told her that someday she may appear on a quiz show and they will ask a question about which position Jupiter is in and she needs to know so she doesn’t look stupid on TV.  how does that sound??  Yeah, I know.  I need to think of a better answer, but it worked for the moment!!!  My son comes home and says school sucks and he doesn’t know why he needs to learn all this stuff.  He is 8.  Yeah I am in deep Sh$* with this kid.   I have way more thinking to do to stay ahead of this kid. 

I keep wondering about school in the 1900’s.  They didn’t learn all the crap that the kids learn today.  They needed to learn how to survive in their less automatic world.  The more learning that takes place in the world, the more stuff these kids are expected to learn.  When does it become overload and when does it become a pure waste of time and how can it be changed??   I want my kids to learn some stuff, but intricate science details most likely won’t help them pay the bills.  Unless of course they become scientists?  Maybe.?!?  I guess anything is possible. 

It just seems that as time goes on, there is so much to learn about that learning is never ending.  Which is fine for someone like me who enjoys learning, but what about those people who don’t??  Their worlds must suck.  Which takes me back to my kids who just aren’t into learning things that they don’t think will apply to them.  But how do they know if it will apply or not?  Maybe that is why they have to learn the intricate details of the solar system?  Have I stumbled upon a new argument?!?!?!  I will try it and see how they respond.

For now, I am going to work on keeping warm and being glad that they are at school learning!!

OK, so I am bored right.  So I check out the various news organizations to see what is going in the world around me.  I read this article at Fox News: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,483477,00.html

 And I am thinking…WTF???  Like I need to be thinking about this crap today.  Right?!?!  Then again, if the world is sucked up in a black hole, I certainly don’t need a job, maybe this is just the solution I was looking for?!?!?!  Hmmm, nope, not into this black hole thingy.  I may not be the sharpest tack in the box, but I can’t see how this is a good thing for science to be exploring.  I feel the need to call Switzerland and say KNOCK IT OFF….SERIOUSLY…JUST KNOCK IT OFF!!!

And we already know how my mind wanders, so I start thinking about the depressed people in the world and wonder what they are thinking when they hear about this LHC.  And what about those in the universe who are paranoid…. Bet they are really freaking out.  Just can’t be a healthy read for them. 

By the way, would anyone else buy Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup if they took out the chicken?  Just had lunch and yeah, I had soup, but I hate the chicken in the soup.  I wish they would just take it out.  Crazy huh?!?! 

Anyway, the kids are home in two hours and I am off to play that silly Animal Crossings game before they get here.  YES I NEED A JOB!!!

Speaking of needing a job, I look everyday right, and today I see a Music Therapist job, and I am thinking… (scary isn’t it) Wow that sounds like a kick arse job…Then I read where the job is (a psychiatric hospital with serious violent sexual predators) and I am thinking…. Hmmm, maybe not!!!  The pay is pretty good, but the atmosphere would most certainly be NOT!!  (no offense to any predators out there, but playing music for predators just isn’t my cup of tea!)  And now I get just why the pay is 60+.  

But seriously now, if you are looking for a job, and have health care experience (RN, LPN, OT) , I believe you will be employed forever.   And I just want to tell you that you suck! 

So, today I took my doctor prescribed Ritalin.  It helps me out quite a bit.  I don’t know why, but I do know it does.  ADHD is a rough road for a mom.  When I take my Ritalin, I am more focused and get so much more done.  For example, today after putting the kids on the bus, I cleaned the house and took time to call some creditors back to discuss paying the bills I owe, but can’t pay since I am unemployed.  Not fun, but with Ritalin, I can at least not ignore the issue and do something about it. 

ADHD symptoms I have noticed in myself include procrastination, which doesn’t help any situation let alone mine!   I really need a coach right now to help me through these rough patches, but coaching costs money, which I don’t have and I am barely surviving as it is.  Not a happy place, but a place all the same.  And of course winter doesn’t help because every winter I get SAD.   You know, that lack of sunshine disorder that kicks some people in the arse every winter.  I think there are special light bulbs you can buy to help overcome it, but again that takes money!!! 

ADHD also does have you switching up quite a bit pending on what is going on in your environment.  For example, I can be writing on my computer, hear the dogs bark, go to the window to see what they are barking at, see a basket of clothes, proceed to the laundry room to switch out the laundry, come back and start folding clothes, go through the kitchen, start wondering what I am making for dinner, start going through the cupboards, think about the stuff I need to get from the store, go back to my office, get paper for a list, go back to the kitchen and start making a list, hear the dogs bark again, check to see what they are barking at, see the mailman delivering mail, go outside and get the mail, come back in to my office and sit down and begin writing again.  Whew…  I so get the bumper sticker I don’t have ADHD….look a squirrel!! 

Making lists help me get done everything I need to get done around the house.   The order I get things done in changes, but the lists pretty much stay the same.  Its a tool that I use to help me with my ADHD.  I also use the tool with the kids.  They hate lists now, but know it works!!

So, my crazy universe overfilled with ADHD can sometimes be trying, but it is also entertaining.  I always think that I would not change anything about our little world, (except that job thing) because it would also change who we are.  I like me, and sometimes I even like my kids.  Now my husband, that’s another story!!!!!  

Have a wonderful day!  And if you happen to have ADHD as well, have a more focused day!

IZ