Two Interviews ~ Two Rejections ~ Keep Positive they say!?!?!

So, everybody is out looking for work these days.  I so envy the employed!!!  I can just imagine the half of them bitching about their jobs and dragging themselves to work each day.  I used to be one of those.  Now I bitch cause I can’t find a job even though I do have skills.  I went on two interviews last week and got the rejections on Monday.  The stress of  interviewing made me sick, so the rest of the week was spent in bed!  Then again, I would have to guess that depression had something to do with it as well.  It is so stressful looking for employment while the creditors call and call demanding payments.  yeah I get it, you want your money, damn, I so want to pay you, but no money in means no money out.   I can’t apply for unemployment cause I haven’t had a job in three years.  There is no money to be had. 

To top it all off, my family wants me to move back to the city, and his family wants me to stay here, while he is in another state working and will be there for at least a year.  I am going to move back to the city, but there are only two months left of school for the kids, so should I move them now or just wait for school to end?  Decisions, decisions, decisions…  I am so ready to move.  I have gotten to the point that I hate being here and negativity starts to set in, which in turn makes me just want to sleep the day away.  It isn’t a great position to be in, especially when you are a positive person and have been searching non stop for employment to make the move so much easier. 

Everything I have read online about finding a job says to stay positive and keep the faith, but it sure is easy for someone who has a job to say that isn’t it.  And seriously, I try to keep the faith, but it isn’t easy and I can’t help but to fall into the negative hole from time to time. 

So today I am climbing out of the hole again and renewing my commitment to finding work to sustain me and my kids.  I totally feel sorry for my kids right now.  Their mom just isn’t together and they so deserve better.   They deserve a mom who has her shit together and doesn’t sleep during the day while they are at school only to surface 15 minutes before they get off the bus.  They deserve a mom who keeps the house clean and the laundry done.  Yes my kids deserve better, as do I, but for now, we just survive until some company sees my value and hires me!!! 

If we get through this year, I am hoping next year will be much better!  All we can do is keep the faith, and hope for the best.  My daily inspiration says to visualize the change, so I guess it is time to visualize what job I want so I can finally get to where I want to go.  So for now, I will sign off and go visualize the change…  wish me luck!

Life hasn’t always sucked! Depression is a bitch!

There was a time when my life didn’t suck.  I remember it well.  It was awesome.  It keeps me going these days.  I remember working and having enough money to take care of myself and my children.  Now I can barely get up in the morning.  In fact, if the kids didn’t have school, I really believe I would stay in bed all day every day.  Depression is a bitch. 

It finds you when things aren’t going so well.  It takes hold and surrounds you like a swarm of bees to honey.  You try to shake it off, but the hold is too great.  It slowly takes you down until you can’t get up anymore.  Just when you think you may be able to stand up again, it attacks you; stinging you until you fall again.  It isn’t satisfied until you are down.  It is relentless in it’s pursuit to keep you down and begging to get up.  Slowly you try to trick it and gather up enough strength to stand again.  But it has forced you into a box and it keeps pushing on the lid so there is no escape.  In order to get out, you have to plan your attack carefully and execute flawlessly. 

Once you are out of that box, you do whatever it takes to stay out.  You take the box and hide it somewhere in your psyche and hope it stays put.   You have to keep it, it’s yours.  It is a part of you now, a dangerous memory of how things can be.  Every now and then as you go through your life, the lid falls off the box.  If you act quickly, you can get it back on and push it further back in your fragile mind. 

If you don’t, it begins to escape the box like a seeping crawling dark goo coming to surround you and pull you back in.    The fight begins again and you wonder just how you did it last time.  It has you on the ground, pulling you toward the box of eternal abyss.  There you are screaming, fighting, grabbing onto anything just to stay out of that box.  You know the odds if it gets the lid on you.  You know the time wasted if it wins again. 

And it is such a dirty fighter.  It lets you gain a little only to pull on you harder after each small gain.  You are tired and want to just give in and let it win.  You just don’t know how you will beat it this time, it knows you too well now.  It knows you won’t ask for help.  You will just keep slowly moving inch by inch as it wins the battle. 

But you are stronger than it knows; you want to win the war.  You have had experiences and thoughts that it wasn’t aware of while it was stored away.   Just when it almost has you in the box, you scream for help.  Those people who have been worried and offering assistance will hear you.  They are stronger than it.  They can renew the surge and help pull you away from that dead end box.  You will wonder why you didn’t scream for them sooner. 

Never under estimate people’s propensity to help. 

iz